I have been away for 3 months and i’ve decided it is important for you to know and for me to address what has been going on, ALSO, have a life update.
As you know, for the last 3 months I haven’t really been on the scene with social media, blogging, posting.
And to be honest, i haven’t been on the scene with life either.
Anything to do with you all and talking to you all, I’ve kind of shut down and here’s why?
The Short Answer: My Mental Health Relapsed and I am currently going through a Deep depressive relapse mixed with grief.
So if you want the long story then keep reading.
Posting content on social media hasn’t quite gotten to the stage where i am consistent every week or so for an x amount of time, and that’s solely because i’m just trying to get a grasp on how things work, where I want things to go, finding what ways work for me etc.
Between starting in March and June, posting content and keeping you all up to date though wasn’t brilliant, was just teething problems.
However in June, posting content became *very* inconsistent.
To the point, I started posting very liberally.
I was posting very last minute and honestly felt as if things werent as organised and well planned as i needed them to be for me to slow down and start to enjoy the process better.
I was seeing Youtubers say to have X amount of blog posts and Youtube videos on your page and to post XYZ amount of times to become successful and knowing things take my a little longer than usual i was determined to get there despite my mental illnesses.
June was the month that we did the #selfdiscoveryjournalchallenge, where i would post a question to journal about and you will either comment, tag me and so we could get to know ourselves and each other
Also within the challenge, I was posting everyday to get the questions out for you.
Little did everyone know, behind the scenes I was trying to do 3 months of work like every week.
- I was trying to use a content planner way too far in advance,
- Spending hours designing and planning
- Hours updating and fixing my website
- Making adjustments to my IG & Facebook page,
- Trying to get talking topics together for Podcast
- Trying to research topics to the max before posting anything in fear of being too inaccurate,
- I had a schedule that meant I was working 18 hrs a day, easily.
Essentially, i was putting *way*’ too much pressure on myself to be like other instagrammers, other companies, have what the companies have.
I forgot that I am one woman doing everything, with (multiple) tiring mental illnesses, whilst trying to be the perfect person for everyone.
this was a daily habit, even on days i swore i was gonna take a break.
Until I started to have a numbing feeling in my left hand.
This feeling in my hand wasn’t going away. Just constant pins and needles in my hand but I was still working, everyday.
My Friend started to notice that
i wasn’t eating or drinking enough,
I wasn’t going outside,
I wasn’t sleeping,
i couldn’t relax.
I’d become immersed in working to the point it was more than working. It was my hobby, something i could sit here and do everyday, 18 hours, no sweat.
So I continued.
Up early and Late everyday. Working 18+ hours. Neglecting my basic human needs due to fear of ridicule.
After 3 weeks, I was finally concerned enough about my hand to call the doctor and tell him the problem.
There and then he diagnosed me with Ulnar Nerve Entrapment or better known as Cubital Tunnel Syndrome (CBTS)
Cubital is when your last three fingers go numb. CBTS is very common in gamers or those who are sitting at the desk typing frequently, a.k.a, Lady Worksalot.
TDLR; I gave myself Cubital Tunnel Syndrome by excessively over exerting myself which meant that I had to take a break or atleast cut down my hours CONSIDERABLY.
But I have come to realise that at times I can be very stubborn and ignorant to my needs.
So, like any normal person, I decided to ignore the doctor’s orders and continue to work. i was concerned that if i wasn’t posting content i was letting people down,as i was already in the middle of the Journaling Challenge on my instagram.
But like I said, I am prone to making unwise decisions sometimes to try and cover the fact that I need help. That meant I ignored the doctor and I kept on working at my usual hours. As a result of my ignorance, I had a mental breakdown, not only because of that but because of other family issues.
In July, I was told that an immediate family member had cancer, that family friends had passed away, any support that I did have, I could have anymore. Just more bad news one after another after another.
Then in August, my immediate family member passed away, and another immediate family member was diagnosed with cancer. More ties had to be cut.
Honestly, I started to feel as if my universe was crumbling, that ultimately I was to receive bad news constantly, I felt worthless, lost , alone. I couldn’t cope anymore.
Till now, I’ve decided I have to put my mental health first.
otherwise I will never be able to carry on and do everything i have always wanted to do.
For me, the past 3 months havent been easy. But it’s not gonna beat me.
I have lost loved ones within this time, Contemplated my life choice a thousand times and more, cut ties and made a whole lot of life choices, personal and for Quirky Anomaly, this being one big ass choice.
With that being said, I decided that I can’t be someone promoting mental health and not be honest about mine.
I also couldn’t be someone promoting mental health and not lead by example and be honest with myself about the help that I need, and the steps I need to take.
After having time away from things I have discovered a lot about myself, and my mental illnesses, my triggers, soothers and all that good stuff.
I’ve realised that I have suppressed a lot of things for the sake of others.
I have kept most of my nerdy personality to a minimum because others would call me weird.
I suppressed my stimming because others would stereotype me with other racist and discriminatory phrases.
I wasn’t truly being who I am and have decided to be a raw version, the 100% true, natural, version of myself, and do everything that I have always wanted to do to grab life and try and let go of the fears that I have to find a solution.
I was hiding and masking my struggles with my mental illness behind the smiles, laughter and jokes, the easy speaking manner and just pretending I understood what was going on.
Ive decided that shit needs to change.
I’ve decided to get back in contact with the mental health services, and try and get some counselling,
I am going back to college, so I can go to University and become qualified in Psychology and Mental Health, so as I gain understanding, I can work toward the future I want too.
Our website was down for some time to give me a chance to add things and change things around a little, also to decide what posts are coming next and all those fine details. #
So don’t worry i will be back, not with a bang, but with a better sense of direction and with a steadier foundation then i had before.
I look forward to making a connection with my Quirky Anomalies (You guys) again.
If you’ve read this far, you are a legend!!
The Moral of the story is, don’t ignore your needs, by ignoring them you are only gonna make things worse for yourself until you become numb to the fact that there is a problem.
If you need help, ask anyone for support. GP, Friends, Family, Charities, Strangers, Bloggers, Youtubers, anyone who can help will.